"The Guilt of Being an Activist"
“Please let me in.” she screamed, “I am afraid of the darkness. These bedbugs and flies. I can’t bear the pain of the mosquito bites. The rats and the smell…”
My heart pounded when Sita Devi said this to her parent. 12 years old girl from Tulsipur VDC of Accham district was forced to live in chhaupadi hut during menstruation. Poor family with no proper education made her to stay helpless inside the four walls of chhaupadi hut in cold winter night. Girls like her still are forced to live in chhaupadi hut during menstruation. The period pain and darkness. No one to look after.The pain and suffering of the young girls. The complications that will come after and the helpless nights they spend. The noise of the darkness and fear in the head. Bites of the flies and smell of the dung, mosquitos and bed bugs. Sleepless nights with no lights. The scenario is much worse than what we read in a story.
I used to feel proud of myself being an advocate of menstrual health management, motivating people to adopt good practices. Making change was my goal and still is. But now I feel shame to call myself an advocate. I asked myself, “do I have a reason to smile yet? How many girls need to go through the same condition? How many girls need to suffer from the pain before I reach all over Nepal? How many girls need to suffer from the complications that can otherwise be prevented?
I regret for not being able to give all I want and all I can. Now my face doesn’t stand straight. I am afraid to face people. I feel like people are murmuring at me. They are screaming at me for not being able to make change in places where they require me most. I want to lock myself in a room and wait until the crowd calms down. But I know that is not the solution, obviously not what people want from me. I am paranoid.
I look at my own statistics, the programs I have conducted, the people I’ve motivated and the applause I got. But that doesn’t seem to help me. All those people are from the city area. I don’t even know whether those people wanted me or not. I can’t convince myself. The sufferings of the girls like her comes in my eyes. I can barely smile with my accomplishment. I am lost. I haven’t achieved what I am supposed to. The tags I have earned and the works I’ve done, means nothing to me now. I don’t think I am worthy of those tags and applause.
“Look at you, once the happy guy is now weeping and trying to run away from the things he loves to do most.” mini me said to me, “It’s a time grow strong and move more vividly to achieve the dream.” “It is not a time to cry. I need to move forward. I must work hard.” I convinced myself. Those sufferings must come to an end. Far west must change the way they treat their girls during menstruation. Girls from those communities requires me most. And I must be the change maker. Everyone needs to stand to bring the change. This is the only way to bring smile in my face again. And you know, smile in my face comes with many happy faces in the backstage.
