"The fear of not being accepted"
Growing up as a gay in a society still grappling with acceptance and understanding of diverse sexual orientation can be incredibly challenging journey. From facing bullying and numerous questions at home, at school, to enduring societal stigma, the experience an individual faces, identifying oneself as a gay, cannot be understood and felt without the heart filled with acceptance, love, and attitude of empathy.
I also embarked on the journey of facing all those challenges, navigating through different spheres of life, discrimination at multiple stages, and confronting prejudices to fit in the criteria established by society to be a normal human. I lived in an urban town of a beautiful city in Jhapa. From a very young age, I somewhere felt and knew that I was growing up differently as my friends talked about their crushes on girls, I always found myself drawn to the charming smiles and kind eyes of boys and I kind of liked hanging around with my girl friends as I always got interested to listen to the topics they talked about. This realization sometimes filled me with a mix of excitement and nervousness but deep inside I feared revealing my true self to my family and friends. My parents often talked about traditional values, norms, my responsibilities towards them as their “son” and always thought the societal construct is so well established to get out of it and think about things in different ways. Listening to them always left me unsure of what their reaction would be to my feelings. I spent days and nights wondering if I would ever be able to gather enough courage to reveal my true self and if I could ever be accepted for who I am.
With a confused and disturbed mind filled with lot many questions, I gradually grew older and entered high school. The reality of my differences became more apparent as I grew up. My classmates, who were unaware of my identity and secret, would make jokes about ‘gay’ being a synonym for ‘weird’, ‘uncool’, ‘not normal’, and what not. I often forced a laugh, hiding the sting of those words deep inside. As time passed, I started looking and searching for if such stories exist or is it just me facing such challenges, to help me embrace my identity in the real world and in front of everyone. One day I found about a brilliant mathematician, who happened to be a gay. I explored into his life and struggles, learning about discrimination and prejudice he faced because of his sexuality. Something then stirred within me, maybe a mixture of regard for his courage and a growing desire to be true to myself. But the corridors of school and corners of my home were not kind enough to accept my reality or maybe I perceived it that way because of the things that came from my friends and family. Sounds of bullies lurked in the shadows, ready with unpleasant remarks and cruel taunts. They mocked my gesture, whispered behind my back and everything made me more hesitant to open up to the cruel world. I tried my best to ignore all the harsh words and attitudes, burying my emotions beneath a mask of indifference.
One day, while I was walking back home, I noticed a new wall painting that portrayed a rainbow, vibrant and unapologetic in its colors. Besides the colors were words of encouragement, kindness, and acceptance. It felt like a warm hug to me that filled me with hope and confidence. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that it was not only me struggling on the journey, rather many shared it, and I wasn’t alone. As I was looking deep into the painting and got lost within it, one of my classmates walking back home called me and intruded my attention as she reached out to me asking if I was okay to be standing in the middle of a road and staring at the usual painting. I felt kindness and generosity in her concern. I felt her voice more comforting to share my reality rather than to my friends who never respected individuals of different identity. Encouraged by the message and filled with hope, I gathered the courage as we walked back home to confide in her. She listened to me with kindness and understanding, offering me support and empathy. With newfound confidence, I started opening up and talking about it to few of my close friends who accepted me without hesitation, embracing me for who I am and making me feel loved. As days passed, I strengthened my voice and grabbed my stand to advocate for myself and for people facing challenges to just fit in the society. I, then gradually, started speaking out against bullying, advocating for inclusivity and respect in school and in society. My parents started supporting me, seeing me struggle to live equally. Slowly but surely, attitudes began to shift. Many things are yet to change, especially the mindset and construct of our society, but happiness lies in seeing the changing attitude towards different identities of individuals.
Years passed, I am now working as a teacher by profession at my own school and still struggling to be looked upon as a normal human being. My own students mock my manners and talk behind me, but I ignore it as that’s the best I could do and try standing strong with all the courage left in me. Though I am learning to ignore things and take stand for myself and individuals like me suffering to get identity, I, sometimes get tired of the constant efforts we have to put in to just live like any other human sharing a same space of love, integrity, respect, and acceptance towards each other. I sometimes get tired of explaining my sexuality and answering ungenerous questions that are absolutely not necessary. Many individuals, societies, organizations are putting in efforts to create an inclusive space for all, but my mind always keeps looking for answer to “How long will it take to develop a ‘normal’ mindset of every people?”