BY: BIDUSHI
When I look at my mother, I don’t just see a mother. I see a little girl who never got the chance to grow. Her hidden emotions, secret desires and quiet hobbies are still there, but they are buried under years of responsibility. The weight of a husband, in laws, and mostly her children crushed her dreams before they could take shape. Sometimes I ask her, “What’s your dream?” and she always answers, “I just want to see my children happy, my husband doing well.” When I ask again, “No, not in terms of family. Your dream- just yours, she smiles and says that is her only dream. Yet I know there is more. It was her dream to dance, so she asked me to join a dance class. It was her dream to learn and grow, so she told me to aim for success in every way financially, intellectually, emotionally. It was her dream to dress beautifully, so when I was a child, she saved money to buy me the prettiest pink dress because pink was her favorite color, even though she never got to wear one herself when she was a child. Every time I won a speech, debate, or poem competition, she was the happiest in the room because the script was always hers. When I stood on stage, it was her words, her talent, and her passion living through me. I feel like she poured all of her childhood dreams into me because she could not live them herself. She was married before she ever had financial freedom, and by the time she had financial freedom, she was already tied to the endless responsibilities of children, a husband, and in laws. My father has always been a great support to my mother.. helping her in every way he can. Yet, despite his care and encouragement, my mother rarely had the chance to think about herself. The weight of endless responsibilities, caring for the family, managing the home, left little room for her own dreams or happiness. She always put everyone else first, quietly setting aside her own needs and desires. I see this pattern in so many women like her..strong and selfless, often forgetting that they too deserve to be cared for and to live fully for themselves.
If there were a parallel universe and I could tell her something, I would tell her not to marry, and I would be fine not being born. I would tell her to earn her own money, be free, fulfill her dreams, travel, see the world, fly in the sky, and live for herself, not for anyone else. If I were to get another life, I would love to see my mother as my daughter so I could give her more than I am getting now. I would buy her the pink dresses, send her to dance classes, let her laugh loudly without worrying about who is watching, and let her live the childhood she never had. The truth is my mother never really lived for herself. Her life was a continuous act of giving until she forgot that she too deserved to receive. She learned to silence her own needs when she was so young that now she does not even remember what they sounded like. She says she is happy living through me, but I wish she had lived for herself first. My mother is still a child inside, a little girl who loved pink dresses, and dance, but life never let her fly.
I don’t think this story belongs to my mother alone. It’s the story of many women till Generation X. Their dreams stayed hidden, and their voices were often silenced. They rarely had time to think about themselves. Before they even had a chance to fully become adults, they were expected to marry. And mostly, before they truly grew up, they had to care for their own children. It’s like a child being asked to raise another child. So many talents and hopes were buried under the heavy weight of family duties. This was their reality, giving so much but losing a part of themselves along the way.